Of Bookshops and Jam
by Almighty Tidus
Summary: Bernard is berating Manny for his insistence on reading manga when a sinister red-eyed mass murderer walks in.


Hi :D Tidus here again. I know I've got the whole FF Facebook thing going, but I've been compiling that with Hito and she's currently AWOL.

This story is not mine. It's my sister's. But she doesn't want to put it up herself (she's embarrassed of it because her stuff is always LxLight yaoi seriousness) so I said I'd do it. The idea was mine, after all.

I don't know all that much about Death Note myself, having only watched the anime and been unable to take it seriously (I'll take a potato chip… AND EAT IT lolwut) but I watch Black Books religiously.

This whole idea came from a conversation with my sister that went like this:

Me: What you reading?  
Her: Another Note. It's a DN sequel about this guy called B. It's pretty cool. He kills people whose names start with B.B.  
Me: Like Bill Bailey?  
Her: No, cos that's short for William. B is like L, only with shinigami eyes and a thing for jam.  
Me: Oh. My. God.  
Her: What?  
Me: HE WOULD KILL BERNARD BLACK! HE LIKES JAM TOO! HE THROWS IT ON THE CEILING!  
Her: What _are_ you on about?  
Me: The jam! "Jam jam, jam jam jam, blearh" and he throws it on ceiling so it falls on Manny's head.

Cue my sister looking at me like I'm crazy. But then she gets this look on her face and runs off to the PC. And she comes back a few hours later with this. Let me know what you think and I'll pass it on to her.

* * *

Bernard Black was sat in his usual chair, picking bits of fluff from between his toenails. He took a swig from the nearly-empty wineglass in front of him.

"Manny? MANNY! Come here and get me some food. This fluff is barely enough sustenance to fuel my rage and contempt."

Manny appeared from one of the bookshelves, a pile of books in his hand. "Yes? What, Bernard? Do you want? Bernard? What do you want, Bernard?"

Bernard raised an eyebrow at his employee. "Have you been at the coffee again?"

Manny shuffled nervously from foot to foot. "What? Coffee? No. Well, by no I mean yes. But look! Look at these books! They're backwards!" He thrusts a comic in Bernard's face.

"Oh yes, they're those terrible Japanesey things, mangoes or something. What are they doing in my shop?"

"Eh? They were over there – look, there's loads of them! All backwards!"

Slamming his head on the desk, Bernard grabbed a cigarette. It did not look like Manny would be getting him breakfast any time soon, and he needed something to keep him going during the unstoppable onslaught of Caffeinated Bearded Idiot.

"How did they _get_ in the shop, Manny? I don't _do_ these things. All they get is crazy teenage girls talking about cats and gay people on the internet. I don't want them in my shop. Get rid of them!"

Confused, Manny opened one of the comics. "But Bernard, they're really good! Look, this one is about ninjas!" He shoved another book in Bernard's face as he leant back up, the bright colours making him wince.

"Get it away!" he muttered, flailing uselessly. "I don't want to become one of those people who downloads used panties!"

"But it's ninjas! Everything's better with ninjas! And pirates! And dinosaurs! And in space!"

Bernard would likely have done something unspeakable to his employee right then, possibly involving a toaster iron, had the door not opened. The sign still read "CLOSED", so Bernard assumed it was his Wine Dispensary.

"Fran, come here and stop this madness. Manny thinks he's a ninja, and I might be turning into a fangirl."

However, it was not Fran standing before him. Bernard frowned. A customer? He glanced at the clock – 12:45. Surely not at this ungodly hour?

The man was hunched over in a bizarre fashion, his black hair messy and unkempt. He wore a black shirt and jeans that were a few sizes too large. His eyes were wild and roamed all over the room, a maniacal grin on his face.

In short, he looked like Bernard.

He also appeared to be clutching a jar of jam in his hand. Bernard seized this as a reason to remove this man from his premises.

"There will be no jam in my shop! Please leave now, before I am forced to alert the authorities of your trespassing."

The man cocked his head like a bird, bringing one jam-coated hand to his mouth. "I will not leave, Bernard Black, because I am here to kill you."

Manny suddenly jolted up. "I know you! You're L! From Death Note!"

Both Bernard and the strange man turned to look at Manny. "What?" Bernard exclaimed. "And I suppose that I'm Sailor Moon, and you're a giant robot with tentacles for a penis?"

Manny ignored him. "No, you're not L, L has a white shirt… Look, Bernard, look at the picture!" Once again, Bernard found one of those dreadful comics thrust in his face. He did have to admit that the man standing in the shop looked a little like the person in the comic.

"Very well. But just look at him! This person has jam! I see no jam in the hand of the drawing."

The stranger was watching the exchange with amused interest. "If you're done, I am here for a reason…"

Bernard waved a hand dismissively at the man. "Oh yes, you said, to kill me, yes. But look, Manny, why did you bring this character into my shop? I don't want book people running around. Think of the chaos! We'll have orcs taking afternoon tea with old ladies in crinolines and sparkly vampires."

"No, Bernard, I didn't! I mean, but, um, the books! They're backwards!"

"Oh good lord, it's like talking with a damp flannel…I _know_ the books are backwards, Manny, now why are the characters _in_ _my shop_?!"

The stranger silenced them both by throwing his jar of jam at the wall just above Bernard's head, smashing it and spattering them with sticky red. Bernard turned on the man, enraged.

"You _see_?! This is why there is _no jam in my shop_!"

The stranger only laughed, advancing menacingly and taking a sharp knife from his back pocket. "I have come to kill you, Bernard Black, BB, two little Bs, just so he knows it's me again…"

Manny cried out. "Ah! Got it! You're not L, you're B! Beyond Birthday, from that book, the spinoff!"

B faltered. "You know who I am?"

"Yes!" Manny exclaimed, a wide grin across his face.

"And you aren't scared?"

Bernard looked back up from the comic. He had to admit, it was quite good. That Light character had a fairly good idea, if maybe the Death Note could be used against useless employees instead of criminals. "Why would we be scared?" he mumbled around his cigarette. "You're a character in a book. And even if you did kill me, it would mean I didn't have to do those awful _taxes_."

B stopped, but then his face grew more determined and angry and he began to advance again. "Well, I _am_ going to kill you, because you are Bernard Black, and the numbers say you will die today."

Bernard's eyes widened. "You know, Manny, that blade looks like it was drawn awfully sharp."

"Ah, that's where you're wrong, Bernard! B wasn't in the comics. He was only in the novel."

"Well thank you for that, Manny, I shall use that knowledge to comfort me as I _die_."

B has got very close, far too close for Bernard's liking, really, and that knife really _did_ look sharp, and maybe this wouldn't turn out quite so well… and then the door opened again.

In flounced a thin woman with a floral skirt, a bottle of wine clutched in one hand. She breezed past B to sit on the chair next to Bernard's desk, sighing heavily.

"Oh God, I'm so hung over. I feel like someone's tried to use my head as a doormat for the Annual Runner's Convention."

Bernard gave her a sickly smile. "That's nice, Fran, but in case you hadn't noticed, there's a man here trying to kill me, so if you don't mind?"

Fran turned to look at B, taking a cigarette herself and lighting it. "You've come to kill Bernard?"

B brandished his knife at her. "Yes, yes I have. It's going to be a puzzle."

"You've come to kill Bernard with _that_?"

B looked down at his blade. "What is wrong with it?"

Fran tried to suppress a giggle, failed, and burst into outright chortles. "Nothing, really, it's just… well, Bernard is so full of wine and fags that he's probably died already and managed to become a chemically preserved hermit zombie. If you tried to stab him, he'd only get angry that you'd spilled his alcohol blood. And look at you! You're all scruffly. Not at all what a murderer is meant to look like. I know, I've seen them on the television."

B opened his mouth to say something, and then sighed, lowering his knife. "You know, I think that this isn't the message I want to leave. You don't live at number 13 or anything." He narrowed his blood-red eyes. "You're lucky, Bernard Black. But the numbers still say you're going to die."

With that, he left, cackling as he hobbled out of the shop.

Fran and Manny looked over at Bernard, who was now thoroughly engrossed in volume 3 of Death Note.

"Bernard…" Fran whispered. "Are you alright?"

"Of course I'm alright. A book character just tried to kill me, that's all. Regular, everyday occurrence."

Manny looked concerned. "But Bernard… he said you were still going to die."

Bernard raised his eyebrow again. "Oh, that? Don't worry about that. I die all the time. It's fine though. Ever since I travelled through space and time with this doctor and got killed by giant robot pepper pots, I come back to life."

Fran and Manny stared at him incredulously for a moment, before Bernard broke the silence with the _pop_ of a cork. "Lunch time!" he cried, and all was forgotten.

* * *

So what did you think? Random, yes. Anything else?


End file.
